God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
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I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood