Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
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Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.