You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
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I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward