You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
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I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
mariah carrie
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.