Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
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They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Look at this
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that