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Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
oh no, steve’s working tonight
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.