oh no, steve’s working tonight
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if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus