if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
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My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Not recommended for beginners.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
*limbos away from your hug*
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Sticker placement is key.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*