*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
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My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap