I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
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The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.