I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
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My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
58.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Sex so good you see dead people.