i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
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What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
😬
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.