What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
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Your secret is safeish with me
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Wanna get rich?
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“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!