Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
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ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
My life in a nutshell
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]