Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
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my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
the last thing a carrot sees
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
When you kidnap a writer.