Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
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Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*