A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
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AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it