Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
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Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
The Book. The Movie.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good