The Book. The Movie.
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Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single