*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
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Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Aight bet
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Best spot.. 😅
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Ok but actually