Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
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You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.