Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
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“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Shorty got
⚪️ low
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🔘 all of the above
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.