So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
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At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Buck naked
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.