It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
You Might Also Like
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife