God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
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I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”