Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
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Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
asked my bf how work was today
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready