On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
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*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.