Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
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“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels