If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
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*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
3% human
97% stress
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure