I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
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When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I’d … I’d rather not.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.