Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan![]()
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Don’t frighten the programmers!
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My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Big Sex has us all fooled
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So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
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