Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
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Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this