you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
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love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes