Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
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If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.