… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
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putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
cyclists
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.