We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
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No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I have never heard an armadillo before.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”