360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
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[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Two types of dogs.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar