Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
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What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
I love snow
– People who never shovel
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Home #decor warning.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
🤣🤣🤣
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
termite twitter scares me
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”