I love snow
– People who never shovel
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“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.