You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
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My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast