Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
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I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.