Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
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8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
When you kidnap a writer.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.