wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
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If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol