I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
You Might Also Like
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.