I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
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I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.