You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
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Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.