Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]

Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

ME: Table for 7 please

WAITER: Hahahahahahaha

ME: 7-p-m. Just me

WAITER: Okay that makes more sense

My back has gone out more than I have this year.

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…

Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.

any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home