Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
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Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
that’s really how it is
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Hank is one in a melon.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands