Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
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Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.