We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
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Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
did… did they arrest the mountain lions