Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
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We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Imma just leave this here…………
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE