They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
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6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
I put the h in mysterious.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*