I put the h in mysterious.
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If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Mistakes were made
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.